Shadows and Choices

The thought of my blog has been sitting in the back of my mind like a black crow somewhere on a branch, high in the trees. I feel really bad for ignoring it even if he's crowing for attention. 

So, here I am, again. I can't promise I'll write another post before this year ends, but I will try to. Or maybe I won't, I don't know... BLOGtober was a really fun thing to do and I felt oh-so-creative making up all these ideas what to write about, and eventually I could make it a thing, just really posting every week if I put my mind onto it. But instead, I just abandoned it again like old furniture in the attic that we only dust every now and then.

More than the thought of my blog that has been crawling through my head, has alle the other thoughts been resting on my shoulders like bricks, weighing me down more than I want to allow them. All these worries and fears and doubts float like shadows around me, and soon it'll be the time of the year again where I will find if they all were to come true, like little nightmares escaping from my head into the light of the day. In other words - exam period is coming closer and closer and I feel like pumping myself for a fight, training for the war, getting ready for the big finale. It's a bit like the silence before a storm right now, just preparing, packing my mind, writing schedules. It will be a tough one this semester since I will have my 3 hardest exams in just 4 days and I am doing my best to not think about it and not panic, just plan and fill my head with rational thoughts, which is, if you're like me, a little fight for itself. It's all about being realistic, isn't it? Because the only thing that weighs us down, like these bricks we all feel from time to time, are expectations that we have towards ourselves, pressure we create, results we want to see but won't get - and too often they are just not realistic. Positive thinking is a good thing but probably something I will never learn, being realistic is a different story, and at least I am slowly walking into that direction instead of surrounding myself with all the negative thoughts that ruin every bit of sanity I have. Those thoughts are just slowly drowing you and once you're in this state of mind when you just feel low about everything around you, it's hard to pull yourself up and start swimming.

Christmas time helped me, and finding a friend here helped me too. Eventhough I am still anxious, and I still have some nights of crying ahead of me (to be realistic), it's getting better, slowly. I wouldn't say I can believe in myself, believe that I can do this and be good enough to actually achieve something here, I might be getting there. Eventually. And next year can't possibly be even worse than this year has been, can it? Because it has actually been the worst of my life so far. I knew that this all wouldn't be easy, but why the heck is it just so hard? I always try to tell myself that this is my choice, it was my choice to come here and study to get this degree, I could have chosen something else, maybe something easier, but I didn't because this is what I want. Sometimes I am jealous of my friends who are totally fine with their studies and just occasionaly drowing in work, for wanting something they are good at, something they actually succeed it. But I can't change what I want, not without regretting forever that I didn't try, so it doesn't make a difference anyways.

I don't really know what else to write, eventhough I like posting things like this, I never know if they aren't just really boring or uncreative, but I will post this anyways, in case someone is interested in it. 

So I will count the days to Christmas now, count the days I have left to study for my exams, and also trying to make the days count, no matter how boring they are sometimes. We can always find at least one good thing in every day. Can't we?