Googling God

Photo taken in my garden

Today was the first day I googled a psalm. It may sound awkward to google a psalm rather than look it up in the bible, but because I didn't know which one it was I was looking for, I had to google what I knew about it. I found it quickly because it is often used as baptismal verse. I used it as mine, as I had my confirmation with 14 years and got baptised for that, too. The only thing I could remember was that it had something about angels in it. It was psalm 91:11.

For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways

I still know why I chose it. Even at that time, when I was confronted with God a lot, I wasn't really truly sure if I believe in him, so I chose a verse about something I thought I believe in or at least something I really would want to believe in : Angels. Although I can't really picture anything about them, what they are like or what they might do, I like the thought of them being around us, in Heaven, and especially the thought that people who are not with us anymore are now angels above us.  I think that's why I chose it. Because I think I like angels and I like thinking that my grandfather is looking over me like angels do. I even think that I had this on my mind when I chose this verse.

So, now I read the whole psalm. It was awkward because the last time I read in a bible was some years ago in my religion class. And there I kinda had to read in it and couldn't relate to it at all. But I can remember that when I went to church due to my confirmation class I always liked the psalms because they were shorter and more like poems. And I can still imagine that I'd rather like to read some more psalms than ... the other stuff... in the bible.. Well, you see, I don't know much about that at all. It confuses me but somehow I find it interesting. And that's strange because the opposite has always been the case.

Now there's one more thought I'd like to share. I had it the night before I wrote my last post, but it was too early to write about it because it was so strange and new to me. Now I'm going to try to explain it.

One reason why I could never imagine believing is God was that I didn't like the thought of needing someone to guide me, someone who is higher than me, greater than me. Why should I need anybody else than myself to make me happy? Why should I humble myself? Who or what should be more important than me for I am everything I have?

So, the night I was thinking about that and was again sure that I won't find answers. But I think I  found something, I guess, and when it hit me, chills were running down my spine and I didn't want to move a finger because I was afraid this kind illuminating thought would go as fast as it came to my mind.

At once I found myself being incredibly selfish. Like, really, really selfish. And when I now think of the thoughts I had about nothing being above me, I am just ashamed. Not because I am sure now that God is above me and I should be humbled by God - it's more like ... regarding the world, regarding all what's around us, regarding nature and the millions of years this world is existing in all its beauty. Regarding all that - I should be humbled. Because I am small and tiny and only a little part of this world's plan. You tend to think you're one of a kind, you're seperated and alone. But we are all the same people and we are all tiny in contrast to the world. There are dozens of things higher than me. We may be all be our own wonders, but the world is a wonder that goes beyond everything.

I don't know how much sense this makes in anybody else's eyes and I don't know if I was able to make this point clear. I am confused, you know? Don't forget that.

I know the next thought, the next station would be to think about that God created this world which is so much more than I will ever be. That he created that all, us all. But I haven't come to a conclusion regarding that. I have to do some thinking.

So I will surf the internet now for things and stuff and those crazy bible-pages at whose url's I never would have clicked before.That's really awkward but I need some knowledge about  it right now and maybe it will lead me to some answers. 

Now then .. thank you for reading my first God-related post. I am glad that I can share my thoughts here because if I couldn't, I wouldn't know where to vent my feelings. So ... thank you.