I am stretching to my limits right now.
I try to open my eyes to see what has always been invisible for me, I'm trying to see it, I'm standing on my tiptoes to catch a glimpse of what's behind that fog in my mind. But somehow the horizon is too far away. I find myself crawling on the ground searching for answers, confused and desperate, wondering if I'll ever find what I am looking for.
Do I even know what I am searching?
My mind is bursting because I am not able to catch the answers I'm craving for. They seem so close and yet so far away. Every time I feel them coming closer these days, they are running through my fingers again like peas, away from me, drifting in a hundred different directions.
I am confused because I never looked for these answers. I never wanted to know what's behind the horizon, behind the tapestry of frivolous thoughts and statements made by a girl so much younger than me, made without ever questioning them.
And still, the answers are hidden, and still I am confused and afraid because I don't know what I believe in. I've never found myself thinking these thoughts, trying to find a connection, a relation, an explanation. Maybe because I never thought I could, maybe because I never wanted. I made up hundreds of reasons to not believe. It was a clear thing for me.
But things are changing, you know. You are changing. I guess in everybody's life comes a point when it's the right time to overthink one's world outlook, to rethink beliefs and to ... reach for something more.
Maybe I don't know yet what I am reaching for, what I am expecting to find, where I am going, I don't even know where I started this journey. And sometimes I don't even know if I want to do it.
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| Taken in Glendalough, Ireland |
The only thing I know is that I am afraid and wondering, tensed and staring on completely unsettled land trying to make out silhouettes and forms in the dawn, so deceiving and alluring at the same time.
I am stumbling and tripping over my own feet. I am falling and kneeing on the ground. Which direction shall I go? Which one is right for me and which is wrong, in which do I want to go? The horizon is so far away.
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| Taken on Mont Ventoux, France |
Beautifully written! I hope you find the answers that will take you to the horizon. I'm still hoping for that in some respects. The horizon is such an elusive, vague thing. And all we have are concrete means. Ah well, here's hoping that we'll both figure this all out.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much :) I really hope so too. I am kinda confused lately when I think about believing in God or not, and if I don't what do I believe in then? I have the feeling I want to have something ... like a real belief, not only like "I believe everything happens for a reason" or so. Madd, Adam and you are just inspiring me so much lately about that.
Delete:) You're welcome. And it's absolutely normal to feel so confused. Changing your core beliefs is a hard thing to do. I'm glad you're searching and are allowing us to be a part of it.
DeleteAll through this post I was reminded about how I felt before I came to know Jehovah God as a real Person. I feel like the fog has lifted since I've known more about Him and His wonderful personality. The horizon is so clear now.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to know more about God, please ask. I'd be so glad to help. :)
Yes, that's what this post is actually about :) I'm so glad you could connect to it. Lately I am thinking a lot about God and believing, and sometimes it makes me feel so lost because I feel like I want to "find" something although I don't know how to look for it..if you know what I mean :/ I just searched your blog for some God-related posts and I think I find them truly inspiring. Apparently your whole family is quite religious, aren't they? Just read about your family-bible-reading.. really can't imagine to do something like that.. So have you always believed in God then?
DeleteI thought so. :)
DeleteI'm so glad you liked them! Yes, my immediate family is religious, but most of my relatives aren't.
Yes, I have always believed in God. There was a stage in my life where I was quite apathetic concerning God and religion, but now I know that the best thing a human can possibly do is to get to know God and try to please Him. :)